The Unspeakable Horrors of Black Hat SEO

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Early last year, a monstrous, radioactive Panda crawled it’s way out of a dark pit hidden deep in the darkest jungle on earth. The world watched in horror as it traversed the globe leaving a wake of death and destruction the likes of which George Romero couldn’t even imagine.

The bloodshed was legendary and many fell victim to this merciless killer. The world mourned their dead. Some sang ballads in honor of those that were killed. Others told stories to pass on the legend of the panda massacre to their children and grandchildren.

The Google Panda Update

Yet just as people began to recover from the heartache and loss of this world-wide disaster..

..terror struck once more

This time, a canister of mutagenic ooze had fallen off the back of a cargo freighter in the freezing arctic. It lay dormant for years until this spring when a cute, adorable penguin stumbled across it. In the classic Ninja Turtle fashion, it was transformed into a maniacal killing machine.

It migrated into the warmer parts of the world in much the same way the mutant panda had done, leaving a trail of death, destruction, and heartbreak.

It selected it’s victims seemingly at random, grabbing them, staring into their eyes as if to uncover the secrets of their souls and then either sparing them or disemboweling them.

The Google Penguin Update

We later learned that these overgrown monsters were created by the global Umbrella Google corporation intent on ridding the world of evil.

Those who had sought to manipulate the world’s economy in their self-interest (by purchasing favor rather than by creating business models that attracted favor) were slain without hesitation. Their rotting corpses were left in the sides of the street as an example to those who remained.

Remember children…

This multinational corporation did this out of benevolence. They acted only out of love, goodness and charity with our best interests at heart, not their own.

They have no interest in profits, stock prices, or any of those other lowly pursuits toward which lesser companies aspire. Their increased revenue from their Adwords platform was only a side effect of these massacres..

..not the reason for them.

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21 Vibrant Comments

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  1. September 19, 2012

    Nancy said:

    Very accurate depiction of how the black hat community must be viewing panda right now. I love your unique style of writing and the theme you chose to use is superb!

  2. September 20, 2012

    Andres said:

    I love your style of writing, ever thought of writing a book? I bet you’d be excellent at writing mystery books with lots of suspense!!

    • September 21, 2012

      Nicholas Cardot said:

      I’ve thought about writing a book before. I think I would do best by partnering with someone who has the creativity to develop plot while I work on telling the story. Thanks for the kind words.

  3. September 20, 2012

    Lou Barba said:

    Hi Nick,

    If I were there when you were writing this piece, I could probably have seen the smoke coming out of your ears. I can really see your point, until I think about the fact that the price is right for traffic from
    Google…$0.00…but then I see your point anyhow. Why did they let people become so dependent on Google searches for traffic, then cut the rug out from under them? They were already making billions. What if everybody stopped producing websites because they couldn’t figure out what Google wants? They wouldn’t have anything to present to their searchers. I think they want it all, but can’t quite figure out how to accomplish that feat.

    Lou Barba

    • September 21, 2012

      Nicholas Cardot said:

      I’m really glad that I never pursued that style of link-building that Google frowns upon. They’ve always made it clear that they didn’t allow paid linking and things of that nature, but they never really had an effective means of enforcing it. I know one individual who made over $70,000 per month from search engine traffic because they were paying for links and amping their rankings. Today they make next to nothing. They were slaughtered. Of course, they broke the rules so now they got kicked off the playground.

      But I also found it interesting that when my Adwords account got suspended for a minor technical violation and I corrected the issue right away, resubmitted it for the up-to-three-business-days review, and then asked them a week and a half later what was taking so long that they informed me that their Adwords applications have been through the roof over the past few months and that their reviewers have been having a very difficult time keeping up with it.

      That was what made it click in my mind. I began to see the big picture. Of course they did this to reduce spam, but they also did it to force those people who were losing out to jump into their advertising program.

      Well played Google.

  4. September 24, 2012

    Theo said:

    You should most def. write a book, I thoroughly enjoyed this article (most articles I read on this topic were dead-serious), refreshing to say the least. Did you draw those pictures yourself? Well done if you did, I nearly spilled my coffee because I was laughing so hard when I saw Chainsaw-Arms Panda there.

  5. September 24, 2012

    Brook Hontso said:

    A great description of the black hat community and how the view the panda. You have a great flare when it comes to writing, I agree with the others you should consider writing a book! Thanks for the share.

  6. September 25, 2012

    Ribice said:

    This text … so lovely. You have an unique writing style (at least for tech bloggers), try writing a book :P.

  7. September 25, 2012

    Henry said:

    Panda, Penguin, what’s next?

  8. September 26, 2012

    Ben said:

    Mommy, I read this post and now I am scared shitless of penguins and pandas.

  9. September 28, 2012

    Alex said:

    Panda, Penguin……the mind boggles as to what next.Love your pictures, did you draw them yourself?

  10. September 29, 2012

    Elma Courchesnea said:

    I really like the way you write, you grabbed my attention straight away, because it is unique and creative. I agree with you, people depend on Google too much for more readers.

  11. October 1, 2012

    jack said:

    before penguins i have minisites that on google page #1, but after penguins update my websites has gone. i build one with authority site

  12. October 6, 2012

    Zita Sheldens said:

    A great description here! I agree with you on this one. I also enjoy your style of writing- adds a very creative element to your blogs- thank you for the post!

  13. October 7, 2012

    Jackson Tan said:

    always love to visit your site because of your writing and pictures.. cant help but to respect you.. you are the man Nicholas!

  14. October 8, 2012

    lenin said:

    Panda, Penguin….what are they gonna call the next one eh? seriously though,have you thouight of writing a book? this article is great, refreshing take on it, the point came across loud and clear

  15. October 11, 2012

    Cat said:

    I’m lost. Where do the panda and the penguin come from?

  16. October 12, 2012

    sintu kumar said:

    Thanks for the wounderful tips,very accurate information black hate seo viewing panda right know,its effect.

  17. October 15, 2012

    Lucy said:

    Wow totally loved your post with all these pictures, it looks like a real story to tell our children and grandchildren. The black hat SEO with Panda update was the end of many sites which were not up to the standard and then came the Penguin which was just too much to bear for the websites.

  18. October 16, 2012

    Gabriel said:

    Wow, if I could get over LMAOing over the pics and creative writing styles I could wipe the tears off of my face and read it clearly…haha.

    Anyhow “well put”, nuff said. Thanks

  19. November 2, 2012

    ah hong said:

    Hi Nick, love the picture of Panda and Penguin. Their look is scarier than Jason, yeah.

    By the way, SEO folks afraid of Penguin more than Panda because it’s about the external links. External links with the exact match anchor text was once SEO holy grail but now turns to deadly virus.

    One more thing, got to know you have a new site from Twitter, heard it’s doing good. All the best man 🙂